I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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