There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
