Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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