Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i think i just lost a toe
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
