i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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