Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
