My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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