The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
