Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
