You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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