My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm like, not good at living.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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