drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
