I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
