I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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