Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
