Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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