theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you traded sex for a burrito?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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