to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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