I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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