I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
