Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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