Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
