in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
