Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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