Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
