I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
