I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
