just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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