Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
