Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
