If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Michael Bay diarrhea
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
