Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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