There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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