I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
