I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
