Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
