Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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