I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
