So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
