remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
