Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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