dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
