Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
