i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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