dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
