"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
