Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
