So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
