her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
