Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
