The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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